Quote:
Originally Posted by CantExplain
Deep waters.
Even a T's boundaries are not always as rigid as they look. In every wall there is a gate! 
If you look carefully, you may find that in a thousand little ways, your T is mothering you. (My T was always opening windows, pulling blinds, offering me a blanket.)
Of course that's not enough, but there is no way your T could ever be enough. So the disappointment is built into the relationship. 
The point is, you have an opportunity to process that disappointment. Yes, it is largely a grieving process. But first you have to recognise that you'll never get what you want. |
You're right on all fronts, CantExplain. I know it. It's such an odd thing to know what thing intellectually but believe another emotionally. That's whyI still keep the "ageplay" thing in the back of my mind. I guess I always think, "Well, if T doesn't work out, there's always finding a mommy that way." I know it won't work, but I just can't believe it.
You're right, too, about the dissapointment being built into the relationship. In one of my clearer moments I spent a good bit of time being angry about the fact that I pay for the privilege of spilling all my secrets and still not being loved in the way I wish I could be...that the hearing "no" (if I could ever get the courage to ask) is somehow a crucial part of the bargain.
And my T would smile at what you said about looking closely and seeing the little ways she does mother me. I mean, I think she'd never, ever call it "mothering." Still, she says I always miss the ways she does reach out to me. It's funny, because whenever she
does say something kind, I just can't believe she means it. Sometimes I even automatically filter it out without actually hearing it.
Grrr...what a wreck!
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts, and how much you really get it. Much appreciated.