no, no judgments....this concept of ageplay is an interesting thing to me. I don't think I'd want to go as far as diapers/bottles, etc, because that would rub my adult pride the wrong way I think! but what I know I do want, when I am honest with myself, is a maternal cuddling....being held as if I were a baby. but the thing is, I have what I'd call a breast fixation......I don't know if it's really as definitely sexual as I have always thought, or if it's more wanting to return to some safe, comforting baby state, being held to the breast and suckling on it. I had this fantasy about a friend a LONG time ago, and I thought it meant I must be gay, but then I had no desire for anything below the waist. So then I had the same sort of thoughts about T1...this thing about her breasts, so my first assumption was that that must be all sexual......but I think it was a maternal thing, a baby longing, too. oh he##, who knows for sure?!
T2 did NOT inspire any sexual/erotic/maternal feelings in me really....the feeling I have had toward her is more a mentor type. But yet, she was the one who talked to me about me needing re-parenting, and I remember saying.....ha, how do you do that without me thinking there has to be touch to prove that I AM being re-parented? however, a few months later I looked back at that, and I realized, she did it, she really did do it, keeping the boundaries of T/client in place (not blurring them with actual touch, as probably would have happened in my mind and then I really would have had MORE issues ). she did do it with words, with her spirit toward me, with her humor, with a compassion that was kind but not coddling.....I felt nurtured, reparented, mothered even. and I believe that was intentional on her part, to help me see how nurturing is a thing that can be done separately from touch, that emotional intimacy/connection can be present even without touch - not denying the potency/need of touch, no, but helping me see that the presence/absence of touch isn't the end all/be all proof of the presence/absence of care, connection, nurturing,etc.
and now, even though I really noticed feeling nothing of the sort when I was with her (that is, regular sessions instead of just phone contact like the last 2 months has been) and no real desire to lay my head on her breasts (as happened with T1), I feel this interesting sort of fondness/love/gratitude toward her because of that. whereas, for T1, what remains is some sort of erotic emotion mixed with anger/heartache (which means maybe it was more sexual or a mixed-up sexual/maternal thing....whatever!).
never mind me, just rambling again.....