it's kind of like when I sent my closure/goodbye letter to T (because she decided not to allow a physical visit and in the end wouldn't even talk to me directly on the phone because it wasn't possible for T2 to be with me at the same time, since I had moved back home....), I told her that I had realized she was not safe for me, nor was I safe for her - because of the emotions/reactions we seemed to induce in each other. it seems the same for you, zoo......your exT may sincerely care about/love you and you may have gratitude/love for her in your heart too, but it just seems that you are not safe for each other. it's OK to acknowledge/accept that and move forward....while still holding a care for her in your heart, letting the hurt go and yet treasuring what was good.
it's not a matter of denying your feelings/not dealing with them if they do rise up.....but it is a matter of not seeking out/feeding on thoughts that will add to the pain rather than encourage the healing, if that's clear. this is essentially what T2 said when I asked her, how long does the anger/hurt go on....she said, don't feed it, don't dwell on it, accept what happened and move forward.
I am really so glad that my exT really does have strong ethics and was able to see that it wouldn't be the best thing for us to ever see each other again and that she hasn't ever/won't ever reach out to me again because she cares enough to not want to add any harm/hurt. But I sincerely hope too that she is more aware of countertransference issues in the future and doesn't allow her boundaries to slide and then be so abrupt in tightening them again!