I'm pursuing getting disability. If I do get it, I think I will feel less afraid of destitution. Over the past 10 years, I've lost a string of jobs. It was my regular doctor who advised that I apply. He said "You couldn't have tried any harder." I don't know that I'ld give myself that much credit, but I always berate myself for my failings. At one time, I was quite successful, so this is hard.

Were I to be on disability, I think the lessening of fear might allow me to do something productive. I know that, on disability, you're not supposed to do stuff that's comparable to going to work. I am a person of many interests. I have thought I would like to do literacy tutoring. My diagnosis is Bipolar II. When I'm hypomanic, I can really get things done, if I don't get too disorganized.

I imagine the depressive episodes will still come around cyclically, as they have all my life. The lessening of fear might make them more manageable. I am alone with no one to depend on. I have no economic support outside of what I get on my own. All my life has been a struggle to support myself, with suicidal ideation coming when I've been in fear of homelessness.

With some security, I think I would like to teach, in some capacity. That was my dream all my life. Instead I had become a nurse because it did let me support myself for many years.