mrmanatee a lot of my 'intimacy' experiences were about me acting out not really being intimate in the true sense of the word. As I got older it became more about me getting control over someone else (in my mind) and on occasion it was about love or wanting to be loved.

As for mimicking behavior it continued on in my life. I remember when I had my first born son and I was seriously like a deer in the headlights. I was a part of a mothers group and I studied/watched how other moms interacted with their babies. That is how I learned how to be nurturing towards my son/s. I loved him from the moment I saw him but I didn't know how to interact with him. I felt so strange about it at the time.

What you mentioned about a funeral I too felt that way. I new people cried at funerals but I wasn't sure if it was something I was allowed to do or if I felt comfortable enough to do it. I looked at everyone at the funeral and I didn't cry about my grandmother's passing until two years after the fact. It was like I didn't have permission.

My old T (and only individual T that I've been to so far) is a psychologist that does CBT. I seriously owe her my life. She was the only T I contacted and I was scarred to death. I contacted her because after the birth of my first born I was scarred I would harm my child the way I was harmed (CSA and otherwise). I thought being abused made me an abuser.. I of course found out that's not true.

I guess you could say I lucked out with my first T. I felt really comfortable with her right away even though it was extremely hard to talk about what I was thinking/feeling. When I contacted her I told her that I needed to talk to someone about things and was very vague in the beginning. I was so afraid even just saying some of the things I was thinking or feeling would get me in trouble (of course I was wrong ). I had some really dark moments in my therapy years with her. There were a few occasions where she scheduled a phone call to make sure I was being safe.

I felt very safe with T and felt comfort in her presence. She gave me what I never had ever in my life: a seemingly unconditional support/acceptance with safe boundaries. I loved her/love her to this day however I do find it somewhat painful to see her in public on occasion. It reminds me that she is my therapist and our relationship would never be more than a client/therapist one (I'm ok with that). I look to her like the mom or sister I never had.

My changes happened slowly. First came trusting her and putting my guard down. Then the big changes didn't happen until she started asking me what I wanted to do with my life. I had no idea but new she was a runner and I thought that was pretty cool for her to have that discipline. I then thought I could perhaps try and get my body in shape. At first I didn't tell T that was my goal. I just lost weight until she noticed :-) I was seriously morbidly obese from the age of 8 - 38. Food was my drug for making myself feel better. I still struggle with food today even though I'm a normal weight today and now I run (faster than my T btw :-) ) I even started a running group in my town. I am fighting to lose the last few lbs but it's all in my head I'm sure .

I seriously believe that the emotional connection I felt with T is what helped me. It's not something that happened over night but was helpful in me being vulnerable to my feelings.

The question lies: How will things be with the new T (whomever I decide that will be)?

That I don't know but I don't foresee it being as emotional as I felt with old T. I could be wrong? I haven't found a new T yet and it has been very difficult finding one that specializes on trauma. I hope to find one soon and if not I may have to branch out and start looking at male T's. YIKES!

SORRY FOR THE BOOK :-)