No THANK YOU for the book. I'm desperate to hear from people who have had experiences similar to mine and come out of it. I'm desperate for signs of hope.

I'm scared that I'm much worse than anyone can deal with. I'm scared that I'm truly bad inside, that there's something wrong with me that makes me incapable of feeling connected to people. I don't feel 'connected' to my therapist yet, I just can tell that she's nice and is trying to find the way to make that connections happen. I feel like the only emotions I have are the sadness and aloneness that I feel. Sometimes I get a little anger. And for most of my life I've faked happiness. Whenever I laugh I know that mostly I am pretending, and that laughter is the basis of most of my friendships. Nothing seems real and I don't know when or how or if it ever will.

I'm also really 'depersonalized/derealized' so this is literally true. It's like everything is happening on a screen in front of me, people, cats, trees, glasses all seem to be on the same flat plane. So my t doesn't even seem entirely real to me.

The closer my t gets to understanding me the more my mind defends against it. It's like I can barely hear what she is saying to me over the chaos and noise in my own head. I really do like her though and I click with her more than any other therapist I've had. I just wonder when it will feel like a real partnership. I feel like a lump. I feel like my soul has all ready died and I'm hopeless.

Like, I'm definitely not having a kid in this lifetime but I don't know that if I did I would be able to love him or her. My mother certainly didn't, and I feel like I am simply a direct result of my mother and my father -- two people who can't love.

How can I change? It seems impossible.

Sorry to vent I just want to connect with people who have been down this road or are going down this road.

Thank you for your thoughtfulness and for answering my questions, geez.

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