Squiggle, my current T is the first T I've felt comfortable sitting next to me and touching me. I was always afraid of being close to my other Ts. I've posted about my former T and I being at functions outside of therapy together. Once she sat next to me (she told me at my session that she didn't know what to do; there were 2 seats left) and I felt like a deer in the headlights. I was self-conscious and scared to be so close to her.

I think the reason is that she always made it clear what our roles were. She didn't want us to have any contact during therapy--no hugs or anything, so I was afraid to even walk close to her let alone sit close to her. Yet I always fantasized that we were holding hands or that she was holding me.

Now that I'm not seeing her, recently she and I were at the same table at a function and I chose to sit next to her. It was fine, but that's because she's not my T any more.

When my current T first did breathing and meditation with me, I was very self-conscious and embarrassed. It seemed like she was too close. Gradually I got used to it. When she first held my hand, I was so scared of how I would react though I wanted it. But it felt safe so I accepted that too. The first hug was sort of awkward too. Once she sat next to me on the couch and I got used to that too. It was sort of like exposure therapy. I learned that I didn't have to be afraid of her. She's so "user friendly"--LOL, I can't think of a better word--oh, non-threatening is what I mean, that I feel safe with her touching me.

If you aren't scared of your T, then I don't know where the fear is coming from. Maybe you're scared of yourself then? I used to always fear that holding my former Ts' hands would feel sexual. I never got a chance to test that, but it was a real fear. I also never liked hugging anyone except my kids, just because I wasn't used to it.

How are you about hugging other women, like family and friends? Is it only with your T that you're unable to sit close or touch?

I may be wrong but I think if you do it once, you'll get past that initial fear, and gradually it will feel okay to you.

Another thought. I used to think my Ts were very different from me. Like teachers, and you're a teacher so you'll understand this. You know. They don't go to the bathroom and they live in the closet! It wouldn't have seemed right to be close to any of my teachers. Only my current T has become "just another person" to me, though she's still my T, of course.

Sorry if I am rambling too much. Your post made me think about how far I've come regarding touch with people, in therapy and in RL.