Well this is the nuts and bolts of it. My insurance company sent a letter to me stating that they were not going to cover 2x weekly therapy anymore due to the fact that the diagnosis code the t agency was billing under did not have a need for that number of sessions. I was really upset and scared. We went to twice weekly sessions because I was not able to hold a connection in between appointments. My t said he was going to write an appeal and request for another 8 months and then down to one time per week. I went on a fabulous tropical island vacation and when I came back he was going to have it all prepared.

Side note; When I was on vacation I called him once and he didn't have a client and made me leave him a message per the receptionist. Mind you there is like a 6 hour time difference. Then I emailed him pics and asked specifically for a reply and he never did. I was so angry because of course here I am on my flippin vacation worrying if t was going to email me back. Then I called him as I was returning to ask why he didn't respond. The rule is I have to ask for a response and I did exactly what he said. Also my phone completely died on vacation so I was going to tell him that. When I asked why he didn't return my email request he just gave an excuse that he was busy. Really? How long does it take to type two sentences? I am just telling this because I want to show you all that I knew there was something wrong.

When I got to my appointment he asked if I had anything I wanted to talk about and I said yes. It was important but I knew he had things to cover and I was too anxious so I wanted to get that out of the way first. He started by reading the letter of appeal that he wrote and it went on about my diagnosis and he listed at least 6 some which I was not even aware of but I did not even talk about that. The big punch in the gut was that he requested once weekly therapy and dbt skills for 1 year. I shouted, "THAT IS NOT WHAT THE LETTER IS SUPPOSED TO SAY!!!"

He proceeds to tell me that he has done me a disservice by meeting with me twice a week for so long because I am too attached to him and it is preventing me from making other relationships. He also said then when I call him to ask for reassurance he is not going to give it to me, he is going to encourage me to use my "wise mind".

I left...............I ran out of the door and, I never went back. I didn't go to dbt, which I am out of now since next week will be 4 in a row misses for me anyway. It doesn't matter now because I don't have a therapist anymore and have to have one to be in that group. I didn't return his calls. In fact, he only has my old cell number which only goes directly to voicemail. He doesn't have a number to reach me at anymore and I am glad. I didn't go to my apt on friday that I had set up with the other skills trainer. I didn't return her call either. I am done. I am never going to see either one of them again. I can't trust him anymore. He always said he would never terminate, it would be a joint decision that both of us agreed upon. He just made this decision all on his own so who is to say he won't make up the decision to end on his own either? He is the one who wanted me to be attached and worked so hard for it. I was fine to not be attached to him and I didn't even know what being attached looked like. He is the one that worked hard for me to love and trust him and then when I do?!? WTF?!?

What really sucks is that I never even got to talking about what was really bothering me so I will just put it out here. I was hiking on a mountainous coastline along cliffs and someone was there real close to the edge and I had this huge urge to shove him off the cliff. I looked at him and thought, "Wow, are you ignorant, your life could end right now in the palm of my hand and you have no idea." OMG.... Who thinks of that? It just comes into my head like a bomb. I don't want to hurt people so why do I have this urge?!? Do you know how scary it is to live in a world where you have such awful impulses? I am either going to be in jail or dead soon and I don't even know how to stop it. That is why I have taken over 20 sleeping pills since thursday. I don't trust myself to be awake or even go out the door.