hi, in.neverland. i am a guy but relate very much to your story because we are very similar. i was raised in a family that never wanted me to be sexual so that i could take care of my parents. i never bonded with my parents who, to me, were very cold. the lack of knowledge/teaching and bonding has made it difficult to forge friendships and romantic relationships.

i have decided that in the future, i will always take things very slow. i have to because it is all new/foreign to me. however, everyone wants to fall in head over heels love right away and sleep together. or, have casual, recreational sex. those things are not for me and, i sense, also not for you. i have freaked out when i realised that i slept with someone who i was not in love with. it made me feel like i did not know what i was doing. it's also a shock to sleep with someone only to find out that you have nothing in common, or totally different values about things. dating is important - it's about screening. friends have told me that it would be best to only sleep with people who i have known for a long time and whom i trust. i sense that this advice may also pertain to you and that's why i am sharing it.

as children, we learn fairy tales and sometimes we believe that life is actually like that only to have a rude awakening that it really isn't. in fact, it isn't like that at all! it takes a lot of growing up to understand what life is really like and to adjust our belief systems. in my case, it was 12 years of religious education that taught me all these principles that, in real life, are just principles and not reality. i thought i was learning something but, in fact, i was not. i think counseling may help you. a few self-help books might too including sexual instruction books. basically, i would recommend that you build a circle of friends who have similar values and who understand your need to take things slowly. friends who you could share life stories with. their support and information will be invaluable to you. i wish you all the best.