I have some thoughts, but I write them some other time....

Right now, I am just really concerned that you are abusing sleeping pills to numb your pain. It is dangerous and could have permanent consequences. A few questions/options:

1. Do you have a pdoc that you could contact? When i had an incident with T, I was able to get support from pdoc.

2. Can you contact some sort of crisis line? Even the hospital? What you are describing is the very definition of "not able to keep yourself safe."

3. Do you live alone? If so, can you go stay with a friend or family member for several days? They can help you stay safe.

We are all very concerned about you.

Best,
EJ