Quote:
Originally Posted by mrmanatee
I'm desperate for signs of hope.
I don't feel 'connected' to my therapist yet, I just can tell that she's nice and is trying to find the way to make that connections happen.
I'm also really 'depersonalized/derealized' so this is literally true. It's like everything is happening on a screen in front of me, people, cats, trees, glasses all seem to be on the same flat plane. So my t doesn't even seem entirely real to me.
The closer my t gets to understanding me the more my mind defends against it. It's like I can barely hear what she is saying to me over the chaos and noise in my own head.
I just wonder when it will feel like a real partnership.
Like, I'm definitely not having a kid in this lifetime but I don't know that if I did I would be able to love him or her. My mother certainly didn't, and I feel like I am simply a direct result of my mother and my father -- two people who can't love.
How can I change? It seems impossible.
Sorry to vent I just want to connect with people who have been down this road or are going down this road.
Thank you for your thoughtfulness and for answering my questions, geez.
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Many hugs!
The connection to T does take time. Please be patient with yourself and first and foremost bravo for getting help!
I too have had moments of disconnect with T. She would be talking to me and I would all of a sudden 'disassociate'. I could see that she is talking and here her voice but it was like I was looking at her through a distant tunnel and my mind was somewhere else - but where was the somewhere else? I don't know. It was like my mind was stuck between two different worlds of sorts.
Not wanting to let your T in is ok. It's how you survived growing up. For me it's like an auto response much like breathing. It's something you do automatically. Eventually you will not feel so guarded and tense all the time.
When it comes to having kids all I can say is that the love I feel for my boys is indescribable. While in the beginning I was clueless about how to act the feeling of love was there. I read a ton of books about the parenting and the psychology of children. I wanted to have emotionally intelligent well rounded children that know they are loved and cherished. I want my children to have a high sense of self esteem and for them to know it's ok to express their feelings. I want my kids to come to me when they need help and not be afraid of me. My husband and I went to a positive parenting classes and that gave a model to follow and it truly shaped who I am as a parent today.
Having said all that I do need to work on my past as that comes up in parenting situations with my children. Do I beat my kids the way I was beaten? No - I've never laid a hand on my children however there are moments when one is tired it can easily be done. As human beings we tend to go back to what we know and that is based on our earliest of experiences (kind of an auto response - I sometimes catch myself hearing my mothers 'voice' come out of my mouth - scary!).
Happiness is possible even though it feels like it's not. You can do this. You are doing this. It's hard for me to believe in myself many times but it is possible to be better, to do better. Have faith even though you have nothing to base that on from past history/experiences.
It's a long road and not always easy but it's worth it.
It's hard dealing with old feelings of abuse.
It's hard work to make yourself a better person to break the cycle.
You are worth it. Think of the life that awaits you at the end of this journey.
