You all have been wonderful with your support and responses. I didn't wake up until 3 pm today and it was heartwarming to see replies.

I will try to respond to everyone independently but since I don't know how to multiquote it may take a while.

I can not stand to be awake because I have this awful pain. You know when you are going to cry and you get that lump in your throat and it is really tight. When your heart feels like it is made of rocks and your eyes burn with tears that won't fall. That is what it feels like when I am awake and it will not go away. I have drugged myself to not feel this pain and the medicine is still in my system because it is easy to fall back asleep. I haven't left my house since Thursday at 12:30 but tomorrow I will have to try to go to work.

My t left a message on Thursday after my so called session at two pm. The skills trainer called the next day after I didn't show for that appointment and I have not returned either of those calls. I hope that t will not call and leave a voicemail on my old phone on Monday. I think it will just set me back. I know some people think I should try to work this out with t but I just can not do it. I mean it is going to end someday so why prolong the misery?

I am so confused about the "not reassuring me" part. He wouldn't say to his children, "Well kids, I've already told you I love you so use your wise mind and know it because I am not going to tell you again when you ask." I know there are some of you out there that may say that I am not his child and I understand that. However, he has raised me more than my own parent's did and he truly did have to start from scratch. He taught me social skills, skill sets, how to name an emotion, how to have a relationship with someone else, he is helping me to make eye contact, he has taught me that I don't have to hurt first because not everyone hurts people. He is the only "parent" to remind me to take my night meds, to wear sunscreen at the beach, that he is happy I made it back from a vacation and he missed me. Why does therapy feel so cruel? It takes us people who really didn't have a true childhood and make us aware of what we missed and then have the reality that we can't have what we never even knew we were missing. You end up loving a person, like really loving in a pure way, and that person is someone that you can NEVER have a true relationship with. That person is one you have to let go of.

When he was breaking the news to me that he was changing the rules he said that since we have two appointments a week I am very attached to him, as he is to me. If you were attached to someone would you push them away?

Ahh well, I am losing my train of thought and getting swept up in these feelings. I have to stop and regroup.

I do want to thank everyone who posted about the "pushing that man off the cliff." I can not believe other people have had those thoughts. I would have never have guessed that those were normal thoughts. I am really glad I put that out there. Is that urge that is so fierce normal too? It is like it was all I could do to not do it. I mean this is a stranger for G-sake!

I am supposed to have an appointment with p-doc this week but I am not going to go to that either. I just hate everything about mental health stuff. I skipped my one last month as well. I like my p-doc and everything but she always asks me about therapy and then I usually cry and she only filled out my FMLA with the deal that I was going to stay in DBT. I can't do that without a t. I am just afraid that I may never go back and then what would happen? My family practice doc will not fill my psych meds because I am on too many and he isn't sure how they all react with eachother. Aggh I just want to keep taking sleeping pills and not be here and deal with anything.