thank you for posting again, Kacey, so we know you're up and around....but please, DON'T take more sleeping pills! as painful as this is, and I understand the desire to numb it and be oblivious (I really really do), you need to face it, deal with it, keep doing the next right thing (as I remember Tree saying to me once when I was struggling very badly) ...... you may doubt it, but the strength to do this IS in you!
I hear your pain about T being like your parent, even parenting you as you weren't before, and now it seems as though he isn't treating you as a parent would treat a child. No, he probably wouldn't say to his small child, nor would any good parent, go, be in your wise mind now and remember I love you and you don't need to ask.....I might ask, are those really similar to the words he used with you, or is it more like those are words you heard? Please imagine that I'm asking this gently and not with any judgment......
But to a teenager/young adult child, what might a parent say or what might they expect? Not that they would really say, I won't say I love you because you should remember it (that's harsh) - but there might be the expectation perhaps that the child is able to hold on to the love/connection, feel more secure in it, be able to be more independent/self-sufficient emotionally, more able to venture forth further from the nest with the security of knowing the nest is still there and the love is still there when they need to return. I haven't said it very well, I know. But I wonder if T is perhaps thinking he needs to move forward to a further level of parenting you, one of teaching you more emotional independence yet with the security of knowing he is there, loves you.....because it is true, and hard to face, therapy relationships aren't generally meant to be physically forever.
But then, just as children who've been well-parented can leave the nest and still feel the love/security of home in their hearts, just as older adults who've lost their loving parents yet still carry them in their hearts, it is possible to carry our Ts forever in our hearts.
I lost my first T in a more traumatic ending, you might say, but she's still in my heart......my 2nd T did a LOT toward reparenting me, and it's from her I learned/am learning how to carry the security of having been nurtured/mothered with me even though I am physically separate from her. I haven't seen her for 2 months....but I still feel in my heart the nurturing she gave me. It gave me a security that I could move forward without her...but then I'm not really without her, because what she did for me is in me and is still real. It's really not all letting go....there's something to hold on to, too. So I often I think of what I've lost, esp. in my T relationships.....but I try to look at what I gained, what is good that is mine to keep from the relationship.
Connections/attachments/relationships are always changing and yes, there's always loss.....in that sense, maybe the T relationship does mirror the way life goes. But it does hurt; it does, because you don't want there to be loss. I want T1 to still be in my life in the real sense, but she isn't, so she isn't......
I don't think I've probably said much in this that is truly valuable to you....but I can hope!
And I hope you will remember you are cared for and loved....and I think (though I don't know him, of course) that your T still cares for and loves you......