Dear T

See...i am a screw up. Look at all the mess i made. Imagine if you saw me in person - wasted less of your time by just calling today, plus didnt have to bother everyone else in the program...Its all my damn fault and i am just SO ****ING STUPID with all of these expectations and assumptions, and then everything falls apart - because there is life that happens, and then there is me as this ridiculous wretched worthless pile of ****.
At some point i will succeed in bashing my head in. I really do need to get the courage with a hammer or something; it would be permanent, would be honest with pain (hitting head with hands as punishment isnt enough), would be destroying more of me that is bad...
Damnit damnit damnit, and you'll be on vacation for 10 days after the conference tommorrow...and i spewed all of this useless junk at you then gave up. Dont even remember 1/2 of what you said right now...i am sorry for shutting down and hanging up. (will you call back b4 you go if i leave another message? Please pick up the phone?) **** **** **** i so ****ing HATE ME, i am so bad... I am a BAD BAD BAD girl who is so screwed up and stupid stupid stupid...AAAARRRGGG!!!