i have T on Wednesday.last session i said way more then i ever wanted to say and i have spent the week for the most part hiding ,sleeping when i can with the help of pills, coming here to distract.i am so humiliated and feeling scared to even think about going to T.i want to go to see if she is OK,if she hates me,thinks i am completely disgusting, if she wants to tear me apart.if last week was just in my head.in a few sentences she learned more about who i am and how i think then in the few years i have been going to see her.she saw the depth of my self loathing and how i still SI. she seemed to be OK with this knowledge .i mean she didn't say that i was completely revolting and made her totally sick.i did think the world was going to come crashing down around me.I'm still kind of waiting for that to happen maybe it will happen Wednesday.she didn't freak out either. the problem is i don't trust it.as much as i want to go i am scared of the very same things. i don't trust it at all. i want her to be the same T before last session .i want her to be OK ,not angry,quiet,staring T.who wishes i would just die and thinks i am a huge wast of space and her time. i want her to forget everything i said so badly.what if she says i need to see someone else.if she does I'm done.i wont see anyone else . i know i probably deserve her to hate me but i just want things to be OK.I'm scared

how do you all go back when things are so bad