I finally wrote and e-mailed my T a story, written all in the third person, about some of the things I cannot talk about from my childhood. Well, it was the start of the story anyway. Since that time, we have talked about talking about the stuff in the e-mail once. The time after that, we mainly talked about stuff from my dad's will (treating my sisters preferentially to me), and stuff that was happening with my husband, that were contributing to my starting to feel really depressed.

I am still struggling with feelings of depression and worthlessness. I feel like I'm walking the brink of that deep dark abyss and I'm really afraid of falling in again. I wasted YEARS slogging through that misery and I really, really don't want to fall off into a big depression again. I'm still up on my feet, exercising and trying really hard to have a good attitude, but it's just such a struggle right now. I'm so tired.

I have therapy tomorrow and I don't know if I should just go ahead and talk about the ancient stuff or concentrate on fighting the depression. I KNOW what I need to do to fight the depression. Not sure there's much to talk about there. But I also know it's going to be hard and distressing to talk about the ancient stuff because it involves CSA stuff and so much shame. Not sure I'm up to addressing it still, but then again, not sure I'm ever going to be up to it.

Any advice? Just plug along with the depression stuff or dive in and try to get through the old stuff in the hopes that we get to the root of the depression stuff and eradicate it forever? IS eradicating it forever even one of the possibilities?