I got hit with this yesterday.

I spent all last night crying. Right now I just feel mostly numb, which is such a relief from before. But I know the pain is hiding and will be back.

The Terms: (And I'm doing this from memory. That's how many times I've read it.)

T will abide by these rules:
-Provide 1 weekly 50 minute psychotherapy session
-To not respond to any form of correspondence, including phone calls, text messages, or emails.
-To call 911 and provide contact information if there is a serious concern over my safety

I will abide by these rules:
-To attend DBT skills group weekly
-To consult with a psychiatrist to assess the possibility of medication
-If I feel like harming myself, I must do the following things:
*Deep breathing exercise
*Muscle relaxation
*Use ice or red marker to draw on myself
*call a friend or family member
*call one of two hotlines, 911, or go to the ER.

He is a student, his adviser is making him do this. It is especially hurtful because I've been asking him, is it okay that I'm calling you? Is this okay? He kept reassuring me that it was okay. I should not have trusted him. I knew that it was too good to last. Now I am reaping the pain I have sowed for taking something that was not mine for the taking. I should have followed my gut.

I am hurting so bad right now. I hate ultimatums. This is the kind of thing you do when you think your client is stagnating or not trying. Neither of those are true for me. I have been trying so hard.

If I had enough emotional control that I DON'T need to talk to my therapist and I DON'T have to cut... then I DON'T NEED A THERAPIST!

Additionally, I already tried a CBT group on his recommendation. I am not against CBT. But, it ended very badly. I need some time to recuperate from that terrible experience. Now I cannot have the time I need. He says that there is a waiting list of 6 weeks, but it's not the same.

He has taken all my control from me, and he knows that I HATE feeling powerless. It is taking everything in me not to lash out at him. I want to hurt him. I want to cut horribly and I want him to know it's because of what he did to me.

I feel like he has abandoned me in everything but presence. And I feel like that is coming soon. This feels manipulative and cruel. I feel like he wants to terminate with me, but doesn't want to feel guilty over it. So he is making it so painful for me that I will quit him. I wish he would just terminate with me if that was the case. If he forces me to do it, then it's just something else I've failed at.

And I don't want to take meds.

I feel abandoned, betrayed, and manipulated. This feels like punishment. This feels cruel. I don't understand. I am hurting so badly.