I don't think I could have asked for my session today to go any better. When I got in, she asked me where I had gotten to in the Boundaries book. I told her. She asked me what I had learned and how I had applied it. I told her I was in the middle of chapter five in the book and had worked through chapter two in the workbook. When I told her a couple of situations in which I had set boundaries (two things at work, two things personal), she beamed. She said, "It is really starting to make sense to you, isn't it?" I said yes. She asked me if I felt that I was worthy enough to be able to set boundaries and I told her yes. She said, "You realize you're having a real breakthrough, don't you?" I grinned and said yes. She said "You just cannot know how tickled I am for you!"
I told her that Saturday, I had an epiphany of sorts. I had to work Saturday putting together some manuals and had to print probably 1000 sheets to place in these manuals. I said on the way in, I just knew I was going to grow; that therapy was going to be okay, that I was going to be okay. Once I got to work and the pages were printing, I totally graffiti-ed a large whiteboard in our conference room with song lyrics. I said this is where the breakthrough really began. I showed her a picture I took of my "artwork" on my phone, but it was too small for her to see the lyrics. She asked me for some examples of what songs I wrote up there. I told her. She wrote them down, but was aware of each one I referred to.
She then said this wasn't a therapy-question, but out of her personal curiosity. She asked me, "When you started reading the Boundaries book and working in the workbook, what surprised you the most?" I said that the book was written with Christians in mind and I went to a parochial school and was never taught anything about boundaries. In fact, it was quite the opposite; that "in the name of God, you don't have the right to have boundaries". She said that was interesting because her gut reaction the first time she read the book was very similar and she thought I would have that reaction.
After this, I told her that I may have some unorthodox beliefs, but one of the strongest I hold was that everything happens for a reason. Everything is coming together now in a "perfect storm" for me to heal. It has taken me a year to get there, but I'm there. She said if it had happened earlier or in another way, I may not be able to handle it.
I told her I had something else I wanted to talk about; attachment styles. I said something spurred me to research this. I had nightmares Sunday night regarding ex-GF and ex-boss. I told her about the article I looked up yesterday. She said she was familiar with the article and in fact, had read an entire book by the author on attachment styles. She said if it was what I needed, we would work on it and she would re-read the book. I told her I was embarrassed about my recent clingy behavior with her. She said right now, I didn't know any other way to be. I said I thought I was having those dreams because I needed to deal with them. I told her that last night, I had dreams about my grandfather's death and her. I told her the one about her was that she triple-booked my appointment today, which made her laugh. She asked me how she handled it. I said she picked one of the other clients. I told her I got extremely angry and threw all kinds of stuff against her door and cursed her out, vowing never to return. Then she shocked me. She said, "Be real with me, you first assumed I cancelled your appointment on Friday to avoid you, didn't you?" I said, "Um, yeah, how'd you know that?" She said I mentioned last session that I thought she was getting tired of treating me, which obviously wasn't the case. She said the dream was related to that too. She said despite all this, she was pretty sure that through all that I was expressing in the last few sessions that I was about to have the breakthrough I'm having. She knew the Boundaries book would be key. She said to do the attachment work properly, I'd need to get through the boundary work.
She then mentioned something really interesting to me; a new perspective. She said, you believe everything happens for a purpose. What if I told you that one of the reasons *ex-boss* was in your life was to get you to where you are now. I said my relationship with *ex-boss* was the original reason I went back into therapy, that I was determined that nobody was ever going to treat me that way again.
She said, "You're learning how to do that right now. In the perfect time and perfect place." We both grinned at each other.
She then told me about her upcoming surgery to finish her breast reconstruction. I asked her, "This is going to help you with closure with your entire cancer ordeal isn't it." She said, "You know, I nervous about having surgery of course, but when it's over, I'll feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life." I told her I was happy for her. She told me she'd only be out for a week. I was shocked. She said it was outpatient and as soon as the drains came out, she could come back to work. She'd miss the first week in May.
I left, paid the receptionist, got outside and realized I'd left my drink in her office. So I went back inside to get it. The receptionist told me to go on back to her office, she didn't have an appointment. She was eating her lunch at her desk. Weird "human" moment. I told her I'd left my drink. She told me if I didn't come back to get it, she probably would have drank it. I told her she'd have probably spit it out because it was an energy supplement and tasted funny. She shrugged and I left. Then I thought about it. Would she really have drank it? Would she drink after any client she had? I hope she was joking!
Anyway, I didn't tell her this, but I think this was the best session I ever had. I finally feel like I'm on the road to healing at the right place and the right time. I don't feel as if I'm dependent on her anymore. I could tell she was truly happy about my progress. So I think, rupture repaired (even though I am going to talk about it more on Thursday) and back to loving T...in a healthier way.
