No one needs to convince me I was wrong and I hurt her deeply. I've had plenty of time to think about that, especially while locked up on suicide watch in the psych ward. To her credit, she came to visit me in the hospital and agreed to be responsible for me so I could be released.

I have made a commitment to her to work toward restoring our marriage, and all I've asked of her is that unless I do something to screw it up, her goal is to restore our marriage too. She refuses to give me even that much, saying only that she doesn't rule it out and at some point in the next few months she may agree to work on it too. What she demands for now is that I work on getting myself healthy and building a support system beyond just her. I'm trying to do that - posting on PC is part of that effort. I immediately cut all ties and means of communication with the other woman, and I have given my wife total access to my facebook, email, cellphone and house phone, and banking information as well as access to my apartment so she doesn't have to trust me - she can see for herself that I'm not communicating with anyone else.

As unlikely as it sounds, there is some hope for rebuilding the marriage. We have met for lunch several times, and she has helped me with my grocery shopping because she knows the child support, spousal support, and health insurance for her and the kids I have been court ordered to pay are causing me extreme financial hardship. We have hammered out a dissolution agreement between ourselves but agreed not to sign it, even though I would be better off financially if we did. She has agreed to have her attorney halt the progress of our divorce paperwork through the courts. In return, I have agreed not to contest the "temporary" child support and spousal support orders that are crippling me financially, and I will not cut off paying for her health insurance and a life insurance policy on me with her as the beneficiary, even though doing so would save me hundreds of dollars a month.

She has said that she will continue to help me medically and financially, because as she says, she has been my best friend for 20 years and she's not going to abandon me. The marriage itself is another story, but not totally without hope. She still refuses to wear her wedding ring, but did wear the diamond necklace I bought her for our 10th anniversary.

Somewhere, in the distance, there is a faint glow of light at the end of the tunnel. Someday, far into the future, she may forgive me. I don't expect her to forget, and I know that she will never fully trust me again. I hope that I can rebuild her trust to the point that we can work on whatever it is that's kept us together for 20 years, and maybe even someday call it love again.