OK, maybe "beat" is the wrong word, as even 20 years after first diagnosis I have to be careful and continuously monitor my mood. "Brought it under control and learned how to manage it" would probably be a better and more accurate description, as I still have to make a conscious effort to maintain my mental health.

I began to suffer from depression in 1992, it then subsided before returning in 1996 when I was diagnosed with clinical depression, and which lasted for more than 3 years. In the depths of this illness I was convinced that I would never feel normal (abstract concept) again. I thought I had literally stepped too far over the blurred line that divides mental health from mental illness, and that I would never recover. I was convinced that I was damaged beyond repair.

I began my journey by first of all visiting my GP, who referred me to a psychiatrist, who made the diagnosis of "clinical depression", and was then in turn referred to a Psychologist for psychotherapy.

The psychiatrist prescribed Paroxetine, an SSRI, which initially helped to alleviate the symptoms of the illness, but like most pharmaceutical drug treatments, did not eliminate the illness itself. I became addicted to this type of medication, and despite the fact that the manufacturers claimed it was "non-habit forming". Many other users of Paroxetine have reported similar dependence, and a documentary was screened on British television highlighting the dangers of using this drug, despite Seroxat's (the manufacturers) sustained claim that it did not cause dependence.

I was prescribed and tried a number of other pharmaceutical anti-depressant medications before confronting the fact that I did not like the side effects of any of them, and decided to come off them. I also stopped attending psychotherapy sessions as I felt that I wasn't benefiting from them, and thus began my journey of independent exploration and discovery.

I had one very clear goal in mind, and that was to beat depression and restore my mental health as best I could. The internet had just taken off and I used it to do as much independent research on the nature, causes and treatments available for depression. I learned about the different types of depression, and the success rates of the different treatments, and it was during this exploration that I stumbled upon a herbal treatment for depression called "St. John's Wort" (SJW), which was reported to be prescribed more often than pharmaceutical anti-depressants by doctors in Germany, and with promising results.

The good thing about SJW was that it was successful in treating mild to moderate depression, but contained none of the side effects of the pharmaceutical anti-depressants. When I began trying it my depression had already began to ameliorate, so within a couple of days I began to experience a positive result, and was beginning to feel slightly better, even though my depression had been quite severe.

I continued to do research and learned about the positive effects that physical exercise, meditation, and a wholegrain (natural serotonin) diet could have on depression. I bought and read as much self help psychology (and human spirituality) literature as I could, and thoroughly embraced the whole "New Age" movement that was taking off at the time, as it's primary focus seemed to be on human mental, emotional, and physical well being.

I must point out that I am an Agnostic and thus not a religious person, and this is why my focus was on human spirituality as opposed to supernatural spirituality, although it must be noted that the two frequently overlap and merge, with many people believing in both the human and the holy spirit.

I enthusiastically embarked upon the "Natural Prozac Diet", a regime of consuming many different wholegrain foods (wholegrain rice in particular) which naturally raise the levels of serotonin, a neurochemical in the brain. As many of you probably well know, low levels of serotonin are thought to be responsible for the onset and continuation of depression, and what pharmaceutical anti-depressants like Prozac do is artificially raise serotonin levels in the brain, thus alleviating the symptoms of depression, but regrettably not the causes of the illness or the illness itself.

I began to exercise regularly: running, cycling, walking; just getting out and about to alleviate the loneliness, isolation, and feelings of alienation that depression had caused. I also began to use meditation to treat the anxiety symptom of depression, and read many books which provided a powerful insight into the nature and course of the illness. It became apparent that depression had become a very common illness, and that despite feeling alone, I was not in fact alone.

I must emphasise that prior to this course of action I had seriously contemplated taking my own life, as the mental and emotional pain of long term depression had become so unbearable that suicide seemed like the only viable option and effective means of bringing it to a permanent end. I even had my suicide note written out, ready and waiting to be placed on my bed whenever the time came when I felt that I couldn't take another single moment of the pain and torture that my life had become.

But even in the depths of depression and on those days when I thought I just could not go on, there was at my core a desire to battle on and beat the beast that was devouring my sanity, my happiness, and my soul. In fact "happiness" had become a distant memory, and I began to doubt the existence of the soul if there is such a thing, as I hadn't felt anything but pain and numbness for a very long time.

Very slowly and progressively my mental and emotional state began to improve. I went out one day for a cycle to the coast, and remember sitting looking out over the ocean and seeing a seal briefly come out of the water then quickly submerge. The sun was shining, and for the first time in more than three and a half years I felt what can only be described as a chink of light in the doorway. It was a very strange but welcome sensation, as if someone had placed a healing hand on the top of my head, and it's warmth was radiating deep into my malfunctioning brain, and making it better.

I felt tears, but this time not of mental pain, these tears were different. These were tears of liberation and release, I was nearing the end of the tunnel and entering into the light, I was finally beginning to experience the very long awaited breakthrough.

Meditation, physical exercise, St. John's Wort, the Natural Prozac (wholegrain) diet, self help psychology reading on depression, and a determination to battle on and defeat this terrible illness took me to that day, and I'll never forget it for as long as I live, as it was like coming to the end of a three and a half year prison sentence.

But depression is always lurking, threatening to return and devour my equilibrium and well-being the way it did before. But now I have the tools to fight it, and despite being a chronic loner who fell into a huge rut during my period of depression and who still hasn't managed to extract himself completely from it, I try to live as healthy and positive a lifestyle as is humanly possible, and do all in my power to prevent myself from entering that abyss again, as once was enough.

Depression changed the entire nature and course of my life, and not in a good way. I had plans, ambitions, I wanted to be a Psychologist. With depression I became someone who went to see a Psychologist, and for many years now my only goal in life has just been to be myself, live one day at a time, and do all in my power to preserve my salvaged mental health, and sustain it for as long as I can.

I experienced a tear typing this out, as the memory of what I went through with depression came flooding back; and I still resent the illness of depression for robbing me of my life for many years, and continuing to place restrictions on what I am capable of doing to this day. But this has nevertheless been a therapeutic exercise, and if you've gotten this far I can only hope that you too have benefited from what you have read, and that it shall provide you with even just a modicum of encouragement to not give in and to battle on.

I discovered that mental pain can be a lot worse than physical pain, and that it takes a hell of a lot of strength to overcome it. I hope you find that strength.

Thank you for listening, and good luck on your journey.

Take care.