You guys have been just sooooo AWESOME!! Thank you, I hope that I can repay this support to each and everyone of you when you are in the trenches. Is anyone mad that I haven't responded indivually yet? Please tell me I am worried. And if any of you tell me to use my "wise-mind" I am going to come through the computer and kick your arse!

I only have a couple of minutes so here is the abbreviated version. I will have to write about my feelings and reactions a little later, maybe it has to set in first.

I did go to my appointment and it was really hard. I kept my sunglasses on and my hoodie up the whole time. I never once looked at him. I first started asking questions and not in a very nice way about this consult that he did and who was there, etc, etc... Then he got a little pissed and said that this wasn't going to be helpful. Why did I want to know? Because I was anxious that he was telling bad things about me and who he was telling it to. He said the consult was about him and his behavior and therapy techniques. yada yada.........

So anyway I kind of tuned it down a little. He once again told me that all of his reassurance and oh I can't remember what he said was actually getting in the way because it only helped me for a little while just like my other bad coping skills. It was actually increasing my anxiety instead of myself learning tools to regulate it in myself.

What needs to happen if I want to continue therapy............. Ok does this sound backwards to anyone else here? Like I am the one that did something wrong?
1) once a week sessions for a commitment of one year (to be renegotiated annually)
2) weekly dbt sessions
3)filled out diary cards every week
4) use the phone coaching line when I need to. I am not to punish myself for using it or reward myself for not using it. I am to call it no matter who has it for the week if I need help. (I do have a tendency to only call if my t has it or the other skills t.)
5) Periodic taping of my sessions to be reviewed with this Behavioral Tech guru. Minimum of three. (This is so stupid because I agreed to this before like a year ago and then he only did it once and it wasn't even used.)

I wrote it all down so I will have to check later if I missed anything. I said that if I were to move forward with him I have a couple of mandatory things as well.
1)To never EVER discuss our "fake-*** relationship" again.
2)He would refer me to another therapist outside of this organization that I could see for a limited number of sessions to sort out my feelings about him. It is considered therapy interfering behavior to have to t's in dbt so I had to get it approved so to speak and it will have to be specific to what it is for. i.e. working on my feelings for t.

to be continued........................

ps: if you have a spare moment and could respond I would sure appreciate it. I am going to get back to pc in an hour or so. What do you all think so far? KC

pps: have I said Thank You guys? Really Thank you.