[Email response to T. The contract said he wouldn't RESPOND, not that I couldn't contact. Thoughts?]

T,

You have mentioned that you meet with [supervisor] on Wednesdays. I have some questions/concerns about the contract. I would appreciate it if you could get me some answers and let me know on Monday.

1. If you are not going to respond to anything outside of our Monday session, what happens if I have to cancel or reschedule? Should I even bother to call you if you're not going to answer? If I do call, then at least you know I'm not coming... but then how will we reschedule? You calling me back would be responding.

2. According to the contract, If I am feeling suicidal and have a plan and I'm alone, I shouldn't call you, because you won't respond. This seems just plain wrong.

I think Nancy is trying to protect you, and prevent me from becoming too dependent on you, and a blanket ban on contact is easiest. But that doesn't make it the right decision. It's not like I'm incapable of not contacting you. To my recollection, I've called you 3 times. 1) Getting lost on the way to CCCA. 2)Panicking after the news of a death. 3)Feeling suicidal. Other than that, I've emailed, not expecting a response, or texted, asking your permission to call or if you were willing to speak with me. I've made a conscious effort to briefly explain what the issue is and let YOU decide if it warranted talking to me. I've repeatedly asked you if it was okay or if I was contacting you too much. You always said it was fine, or that "everyone has bad weeks". I've been respectful and made a conscious effort not to intrude, despite your encouraging me to contact you.

Now the rules have changed. Fine. But it seems like you've gone overboard in enforcing them. I am perfectly capable of contacting you rarely, only in case of true emergency. I doubt that I ever would have called you at all, except you encouraged me to do so and even called me first at 10pm one evening (much to my chagrin).

But you haven't given me that chance. I feel I am being punished for your failing to set stronger boundaries. I felt that it was probably too much, but when I asked, you kept reassuring me. I had already verbally made the commitment to try to follow your lead, because I realized I was not thinking right. Do you remember that conversation? Not being able to contact my own therapist under any circumstances including emergency seems extremely harsh, even reactionary. I certainly fail to see how it's in my best interest.

3. What happens if I fail to complete every item on the long list of things I have to do before cutting? I wish I could say, "yes, 100% of the time I can follow ALL these steps." Sometimes I can, but not always. I am afraid of being punished if I am not successful. Then what? Do I tell you the truth and have you terminate treatment? Do I lie? The increased anxiety is triggering me further and increasing the urge to cut. I should be able to trust you and talk to you about it, not hide it because I'm scared of you or how you'll react. What WILL happen if I fail to meet any of the criteria in the contract?

4. I basically feel like you're telling me that I'm no longer allowed to need your help nor am I allowed to need cutting. If I didn't need either of these things, I wouldn't need to be in therapy! I need your help to work through them, not an ultimatum telling me you'll give up on me if I can't quit them on my own. If I could quit being crazy on my own, I wouldn't need therapy!

5. I already asked what happens if I fail to meet the terms of our "agreement". What happens if you do? If you cancel on me, then you're failing to uphold your end of the bargain - seeing me weekly. (Aren't you going out of town at the end of April or the beginning of May?)