((((Nicole)))) wow. I am so sorry you are in so much pain right now. I do understand what you are saying. I get it. I can't tell you that you will ever feel whole, but maybe you CAN feel some joy in life and some healing. There are so many wonderful things to experience in life like a garden and roses and puppies or kitties.
Life really is supposed to be a gift someone is given. I am sorry that others stole the joy of living from you. Keep writing it out.