I'm just wanting to write because I'm scared and frustrated. I feel like I just can't communicate with my T. It's not her. It's me. I just can't do it. I feel like her expectations of me are high - or higher than I can accomplish any time soon. But, I can't tell her this. I can't tell her what's going on with me. I walk in there and clam up. She wants to help me, I can feel that. I just don't feel like I'm ever going to get any better and I almost want her to quit trying. I just want somewhere to go to sit for an hour to feel safe for an hour, for someone to listen to me. I don't think talking about my past is going to do anything.

I can't even get things straight in my head any more because of my feelings for her. And I can't seem to tell her about them no matter how hard I try. I can barely talk at all to her. I shut down at the slightest thing.

I am confused. Today, I tried to read my letter to a past perp and and she wanted it to empower me, to give me a voice. And I just feel like I couldn't connect at all. She said I was feeling. I just feel like I didn't do a very good job. And that's crazy. It's for me, not her, but I can't do it for me.

I just want to give up. It's all so confusing to me. I want to start over and not have any CSA or abuse mentioned at all.

WTH