I loved my hypomanic episodes until they turned on me.

It used to be that I'd go on an upswing and feel like I had the world by the tail. I was happy, laughing, full of confidence.....nothing bothered me. This last time, however, I had extreme irritability, agitation, sudden rages, got paranoid and anxious, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and didn't give a $#!+. I'd thought I was merely depressed, but this didn't feel like depression ever has before......it was only after I'd gotten myself into trouble with some longtime associates and almost been banned from the group that I realized this was something different.

Long story short, I almost wound up in the hospital after a breakdown of sorts, and my pdoc diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. After doing a lot of research and getting a little more stabilized, I realized that a lot of my super-happy, "up" moods and hyperactivity was actually hypomania and that I've probably been bipolar for most of my life. This latest episode was a "mixed" episode that featured my first taste of what REAL mania is like, and I hope to Heaven I never have another. It was awful. So if someone asks me if I'm scared of mania, I have to say "Oh HELL yes!!"