Hi Granite,

The first thing I want to say is how very sorry I am that your mother blamed you and beat you. Reading your story, I just wanted to hold little Granite and soothe her and tell her that this is NOT her fault!

In order to feel compassionate, a person generally has to be shown what compassion is, how it feels, and how to demonstrate it toward others. It is largely a learned trait. It doesn't sound like your mother was able to model compassion for you, or to show it toward you. When your grandfather died and you were not able to feel anything, she beat you. That is not compassion. It is abuse.

Had your mother had compassion, she would have realized that people respond differently to the death of loved ones. There are many folks who initially feel nothing. I don't know how close you were to your grandfather, but if you were not close, it would not be unusual for you to not feel grief. Even if you were close, you may have learned to stuff down difficult emotions and not be in touch with them.

It sounds like, at the time she broke the news to you, your initial reaction was one of fear of her and wanting her to leave you alone. This was the primary reaction you had at the time. It is understandable. It makes sense. You had reason to fear your mom and want to avoid her because she did things to hurt you. So this was your main reaction at the time.

Bottom line . . .your mom should not have punished you for showing a lack of compassion because (1) she didn't teach you what it was or how to show it, (2) she didn't show compassion herself, (3) people respond differently to the death of loved ones, and (4) your primary concern at the time was avoiding an abusive mother who did things to hurt you.

Granite, again, I am so sorry you had to go through things like this, and I wish you could see that this was NOT your fault! It is SOOOO HARD to believe things are not your fault when you grew up being told that things were always your fault. I know. . .I'm dealing with internal messages I've absorbed from my parents too. When we are kids, for some reason, we believe the things they tell us. If they say we are bad, we believe it. If we're told things are our fault, we believe it. It distorts our view of ourselves. Then later, when we are adults, it is very hard to see things differently, and to accept that perhaps the parents were the ones who were wrong.

I know it's hard, but the more you can open up to your t and tell her some of these experiences from your childhood, the more she will be able to help you put things in perspective and see them for what they really are.

It's painful stuff. Hang in there.

Hugs if you want them.