Hi guys!

I talked to my T about the email ban.

Some years ago, I had been sending large numbers of emails to my T, including steaming mounds of hate mail. My T said, "This has to stop!" Since then, I have sent only administrative emails, eg "I forgot to pay you" and "Can I have an extra session?"

T cut off my email privileges without any consultation. That was an exercise of power on her part. By that stage in our relationship I had already accepted that she was stronger than me, so that was not so much of an issue.

I also felt I was being punished. I figured that was OK because I deserved it. I had abused the privilege and broken the spirit of the rules. But the ban remains in force, so I felt unforgiven.

T admitted that she was hut by my constant attacks, and she doesn't like emails anyway because they take up so much of her personal time. I had heard her correctly on that one and I had understood.

T said cutting off my email was for my own good. This part I didn't understand and didn't accept. I figured she was just saying that to feel better about what she had done.

Well...

It turns out that I had over-reacted. T never meant I couldn't send emails. She simply wanted me to show a bit of restraint and cut out the hate mail.

As for "my own good", she meant that if I hated her so much, I should come and tell her in person so we could both learn from it. Sending hate mail is like flushing your feelings down the loo (toilet). It's a temporary release that doesn't address any of the underlying problems.

Why did I hate her by email and not in person? It's about abandonment. I don't feel abandoned while I'm with her. She said that sometimes I will feel abandoned in session, and we need to watch out for that.

And now for something completely different. She was wearing a red summer dress. (Unprecedented!) I told her she looked young and pretty. And she did. Somehow her "blank slate", "non-performing asset" hair looked playful and attractive today.

I found a fresh and original way to end the session. I said, "I'd love to stay and talk some more, but I really must be going."