Hi Guys,
Well I made it through another day. I actually crawled through it. It was tough. I had horrible insomnia worse than normal last night. I usually get in one sleep cycle a night which is 4 hours but last night I only slept for about 1.5 hours and that is with combo sleeping pills. So I went to work today and was just having a go at trying to regulate my body. I have developed the lovely emotional hives. I haven't even called "M" whos mom died. I just can not do it. I don't have anything, I mean anything to give. I am going to plan to call her tomorrow.

About t. I forgot to mention the other rule so to speak. I have to agree to a term of one year and during that year I would have to be in weekly dbt and weekly t sessions. If I were to miss dbt 4 consecutive times I would be out of therapy, usually that is until the next module starts (every nine weeks or so). That is the minimum time you have to be out but the individual t makes an agreement per client. So my t said that I would be out for the agreed upon one year. That would mean no more t sessions either. The reciprocal of that is skipping individual t sessions with out good reason (like illness) not just feeling like not going would also be an agreement breaker as well and then I could not be in the skills training classes for period of agreed upon 1 year. Oh, I forgot to add that does not mean you can get right back in. It is after that year mark that you can figure out the terms that ultimately t decides that would let you back in. This is all straight forward DBT Marsha Linehan stuff! (google behavoraltech)

Now in defense of DBT, I would certainly not be alive today if I had not done it. DBT was orginally created for people who have repeated su attempts and parasuicidal behavior. I know other people on here like Zoo () that would not be alive as well. She has said that before so I know I can say it. Yes, it is strict but I am assuming there is a reason for that. I just don't know it.

So I had another huge panic attack at work and locked myself in the bathroom and called t. I know.......... but I just am so lost and can not even get my body under control. I was basically calling to tell t that I needed to go to the hospital which is way outrageous for me. I have never went there willingly. I didn't actually get that part out I don't think. T said, "KC, we have a committment to eachother and we have had a committment for almost four years. Do you still want to do therapy with me?" All I could do was say yes at that moment because I needed help. If I wasn't his client anymore I am sure he wouldn't treat me, he would have just given me the crisis line number or something.

Then I tried talking to him but he said, "Listen KC, I am having a hard time understanding you." I was crying and talking but I guess not making sense. So he said, "What we need to do is bring your body back down before anything. So go to the sink and splash cold water on your face, neck, and chest. Take your vistaril and loratidin. Go get some ice from the machine and put it on your neck and squeeze ice in your hands. I am going to a meeting until 10:30 then I will be back in my office so if you need to call again I will be here. Can you do all of that?"

I did and I scraped my way through most of the day at work but then I went home ill for the last hour. I just could not do it one more minute. I had to get back under my weighted blanket and try to sleep a little. I had to follow my breathing to music and focus on keeping control. I am up from my nap, I slept about 45 minutes. I did not call t anymore today after that one call in the morning. I still do not even know what I think about any of this. I guess I am in no condition to make a choice right now. I did call another t in the area who is involved in another dbt program to do some session specific work on me sorting out my relationship with t. Another thing that was talked about with all this agreement stuff that I posted about earlier. I explained it to the reception gal and she put me on hold. When she came back she told me that she had to talk with her supervisor first and they would call me back tomorrow. I am proud of myself for making that call.