Trigger:

Maybe smoking goes hand-in-hand with self-destructive behavior, but up till my dx, I had problems with self-harm. I used to cut, but I hated the pain and I felt like a poser when I felt like I couldn't cut deep enough. I was also violent. I threw dishes and punched holes in the wall when I felt out of control and I came seconds from punching my brother and slapping my mom for stupid reasons. Today I was so mad from not finding a job that I seriously considerded slathering my mom's chicken salad all over the freshly painted walls. I didn't do it but would have made a statement.

So when I smoke, it calms me down from feelings of rage and helplessness. And I do practice relaxation, but some things just feel like it won't help and I don't know what else to subsitute that kind of calming. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I just bought a pack of cigarettes and I felt better for a while, now I feel like crying because now I don't know what to do. I am usually the one who gives advice and be strong for other people. What do I do? Obviously I am old enough to buy cigarettes, how do I stop myself from not buying them anymore?