OK hi all.and thank you for being such a voice of reason in a somewhat unreasonable state of mind feeling really bad about my temper tantrum last night.sorry.

this morning i am going to try and reason things out some.

i know she wasn't acting like she usually does
fact..
she was 10 min late she is usually only about 5
she never leaves the office after i am in there
she was very sarcastic
the chair was moved even further away.
she didn't make up the time at the end of session.

all these things have made me convinced that she is so angry or at the least very frustrated with me.no she doesn't hate me .hate is strong and i don't think i have done so much for her to hate me.

she could have just stooped at my mouth is dry when she got her mints.she didn't need to add my mouth is dry from all the talking that we are doing.how can i not feel she is frustrated with me.knowing i wasn't able to even think about opening my mouth.

kind of reminded me of how a parent would treat a child who is having a temper tantrum but i wasn't having a temper tantrum.i was just sitting there. it seemed she had the attitude if i wasn't going to talk she had other things she wanted to do.and ignored me.like leaving to get water,getting her mints. her sarcasm about talking. this mixed in with her moving the chair and my already being convinced that she was going to hate me and be horrible because of the session before was way to overwhelming.my head and thoughts were screaming and i didn't know what to do or how to fix it.

the chair
Fact it was moved..

my reality is that she moved it.for the past few weeks it has been moved further and further away and closer to the wall and closer to the corner.
i truly believe it is my T that is moving it but reality is i don't know why without asking her.i cant see a client moving the chair so far back and also moving the waste basket also.and if my T moved the basket she would do so only if the client needed it to throw used tissue away.if that were the case there would be tissues and there were no tissues so if T had time to empty basket she had time to move chair back.
now this was my reasoning for knowing it was T who moved the chair.

did she move it because she wanted me away from her i don't know maybe not because it makes no sense.i don't know if i did anything to warrant that.without asking i wont know. but i do feel this way down to my core.

is she just moving furniture around because she prefers the chair there possibly.especially because the basket was moved also.they do kind of go together.what i cant understand and what makes no sense to me is if it isn't because she wants me away from her and in the corner .why does she want all her clients so far away from her and so close to the corner

so my reality is i do believe she is very frustrated with me right now .yesterday it felt like the world came crashing down AGAIN .what i need to try and keep under control is the fact that i am here and i am OK so someone is frustrated at me maybe even furious at me.someone i care about .but does this mean the world is going to end.yes it hurts unbelievably so.and i am terrified because of it but i am still here and i am OK.