I really wish the work place had some people who actually understand that it is hard for me to show up. I'm at a point where I'd almost rather not be paid just so I can not show up than show up and get paid. I need the money for the family though, so I force myself.

All of the people I work with annoy me on those days when I'm really feeling bad. I just can't take hyper or panic or any of those normal stupid emotions people have at work. I'm going to stay stoic and not care. I don't care, but I have to care. I hate pretending.

What's worse is the treatment plans. They all in the end just tell you to get over it. Either it's "Go to work, you'll feel better anyway" or "Do the opposite of what you feel", screw that! I'm sick of it. Why can't I just get a buddy to hang out with and help me feel less lonely and sad. Someone to remind me that mistakes happen and I don't have to feel bullied. One hour with a therapist isn't going to change my thinking and I can't do it myself. I'm tired and worn out.

Another stupid day for me today. I'll get through somehow, but I still hate treatment now. Therapists with CBT crap - change my thoughts, then feelings, well I feel this way pre-cognitively - no thoughts trigger it dammit! Psychiatrists with adding more meds, I take so much stuff for depression and high blood pressure it's causing me to leak potassium, so I take a horse-pill of potassium and now I'm wetting the bed at night! Frig!

But who cares at work. I'm supposed to contribute to a happy office and be productive and helpful. I need the paycheck,but I don't want to need it. I resent having to work so much right now.