Sorry....I just had a moment when I felt too vulnerable - especially when quoting what I posted on my group blog....and that I felt punished by being overlooked - which is what I am feeling at group at the moment. I know it doesn't fit for me here at PC, but those feelings just overwhelmed me....

Here's what I posted....

I've been having a difficult time speaking in group T lately....and I got a lot of pressure from group members during the last session. Most of the members were angry that I won't open up and that I don't trust them.

I felt awful. I felt frozen and cornered for so much of the session....

Ultimately, the focus did move off of me, thankfully, and it spurred discussion about what to do when needs aren't being met...and both sides of the equation in a relationship, etc....so good work was being done.

Towards the end of the session, I asked the group what they needed from me in order to stay connected with me, without pressuring me into disclosing. What's the compromise? Because at the moment, I am feeling like I need to either work super hard on not letting things affect me so that I can be there for other group members....Or, just accept that the relationships are damaged and move on. Unfortunately, there wasn't time left for people to respond...and it was suggested that we follow up on the group blog.

After group T, one member posted on our blog about my trust issue....and I responded with:

"I have spent most of my life in protection-mode, so the idea of being open and vulnerable - even to myself - feels life-threatening. I trust each person in group in different ways - some more than others. During my first year in group, I allowed the reactions of others to affect me deeply, without considering the idea that some of the ownership lies on the other person. After quite a struggle, this became a huge gain for me. But I find that knowing this, sometimes, still isn’t protection from feeling hurt. What I’m struggling with now is the huge resistance I feel within me to keep big feelings from surfacing. So many factors come in to play. My biggest obstacle is not believing that I could survive it. At the end of the day, I am the one who is stuck feeling the big feelings, and I am fearful that I won’t be okay. What starts out as one simple feeling connects with others, creating an interconnected web of yuck - and I’m scared of not being prepared for what paths it could lead to. At this point, it’s not so much about trusting people in group. It’s more so about trusting that I will be able to live with myself while allowing the awfulness to share my present space."

Of course, now it's crickets....No feedback, no acknowledgement, nothing. Someone posted a response to another person's post...bypassing mine.

It's ok. I doubt people understand where I'm coming from. If I'm not going to open up in group, perhaps I really just shouldn't be there.

I see T today, and I'm not really in the mood to talk....