Guilty as charged, on several counts. If my lover had chosen differently and stayed with me, we would still be together planning our future. We were seriously in love, shopping for wedding rings and planning our dream wedding on the beach in Key West. My top choice would have been to stay with her, despite the financial difficulties the divorce would have cost me. Once that option was taken away from me and I began to recover from a severe case of testosterone poisoning, I began to realize that I had no business being with her in the first place. My marriage has problems, but I should have stayed and tried to work on them or gotten us professional help (as my wife wanted to do) instead of trying to escape them with someone else. It only made matters worse for my wife that my lover was the same woman I had an affair with years ago and never really forgot.

Also guilty on the "sex" vs. "making love" issue. I haven't felt "in love" with my wife in a very long time, probably at least a year. We haven't had sex in 8 months, since about 4 months before the affair started. I have no idea how long it's been since we really "made love", but it's a lot longer than that.

That's why I'm trying to get help, both by posting here and by getting professional help. I want to get past the grief and pain and hurt and guilt I get from thinking of and missing my lover and move on with my life. I don't expect to completely forget her, but I want to get past her enough that I can focus on rebuilding my relationship with my wife and regaining the love I once had for her. My wife says I have to heal myself first, then start from the very beginning, basically from our first date. She's probably right, but this is going to be difficult, and it's going to take lots of time and help.