I can relate. Been off and on the medication for 10 years. Going through the severe depression where the medication doesn't seem to help and the deceptive mania that makes me think that if only my life wasn't so hard I could deal with it.

Been off my medication for more than a year trying to better understand of who I am and how different I am from others. I've come to the conclusion that I am BP and even if medication doesn't always live up to expectation without it my life is a lonely poor state incapable of being a productive member of my community.

I'm not one to tell you to go off your medication but for me it did help me to once and for all stop believing there is nothing wrong. BP makes our world a confusing place and unfortunately it may never become entirely clear, but maybe some day we can come to a place where we can at least except it.