I need to decompress.

I hope that's okay.

On Saturday I went out to lunch with my best friend's mom. We'll call her Momma S. Momma S said she knew from my Facebook status' that I was not doing well and kept asking me what was wrong. I eventually broke down and started crying. I sort of ended up telling her EVERYTHING. How I'd started cutting again, (she knew about it in high school), how I'd been seeing a T but everything was worse right now, how I was struggling to stay focused in school, how my house was a disaster, how I was really depressed, etc etc. We talked in the park for a while and she invited me to come back to her house to study. But I just ended up crying, and she held me, and that made me cry 10x harder. She came over on Sunday and helped me clean for 6 hours. My house is livable now.

So you can see, it was an exceedingly stressful weekend. On monday, T hit me with the ultimatum. I spent an hour after my session in a spare office crying my eyes out. He came and checked on me twice. Once after 20 minutes and once after 55. I left at about 60. I was still teary eyed- but I felt okay to drive.

At the same time as all of this is going on, I'd been talking to Momma S and my OTHER best friend's mom, Momma B. They're my support system right now. I feel okay talking to them, because I've known them for years and I don't feel like I'm overloading them. They're older. They're mommas. Momma S is the action momma. She found me a T that's willing to see me 2x a week for free. She has 25 yrs experience in dealing with sexual abuse survivors. Momma B is the comfort momma. She just makes me feel accepted, no matter what.

Well, on Wednesday I got a facebook message from my aunt and an accusatory phone interrogation from my biological mother (*****). Apparently, Momma S called my aunt and told her a lot of what was going on. She also tried to get in contact with Momma B. My aunt talked to my sister J, who talked to my sister A, who called mom.

Do you see where this is going?

Everyone I know called me/emailed me/facebooked me, panicking, accusatory, no one would give me a straight answer as to who told them what.

I am supposed to go talk to new T tomorrow, and I'm worried first T, who just hit me with the ultimatum, is going to dump me and tell me to go to new T. Everyone is talking about me behind my back, I just want more people to be on my side. Momma B is on my side, so that's good. I jut wish more people were. I want first T to be on my side. I am not contacting him because of ultimatum. Everything is so hard right now.

I know I'm missing parts of the story but there's just so much going on, I'm so overwhelmed, I want my mother to not be a *****, I want T to be on my side, I want everyone to leave me alone, and I want it all to stop hurting. And I want to be able to focus and study.

I want someone to help me and I think first T has really dropped the ball, especially because before our session on Monday I had spoken with him on Wednesday, crying, telling him that seeing him 1x a week was not enough and that I needed more support and could we talk about "less heavy" things for a few weeks. And he sprung this ultimatum on me. THAT is your response to "This is too much right now and I need more support!"??

And, my BF's friend just moved in yesterday for 3 months.

It's all too much. God, just please let me get through this semester without ****ing everything up.