How do I go about the normal and natural grief that's part of the healing process when every time I think about my lover or miss her I feel like I'm betraying my wife all over again? I can't help but remember every time I see my wife that my lover is more attractive. It's true, but it feels like an insult to my wife. If my marriage ever recovers to the point of having a physical relationship again, I know from experience that my wife will never turn me on the way my lover did.

How can I deal with this? How do I work through the memories and put them behind me when even thinking of them reminds me of the wrong I did to my wife? How can I heal from this without feeling like I'm hurting my wife all over again?

Hi ((((Bow)))) welcome. I have read your posting along with the other posts...I have some thoughts and a couple of questions:

Why are you punishing yourself for losing the love of your life? I think you should focus on yourself right now 110% and not worry about what anyone else thinks or does. You don't need any more guilt or pain.

It is normal for you to grieve when you lose someone. Especially someone you love. Do you have a support system outside of your profession? Some great friends that understand? This is for you to do on your own and with your T.

You will NEVER be able to even begin to get over your ex until you have truly grieved the loss and have moved on.

Your estranged wife is now punishing you. You are not "allowed" back in your house? She is "allowing" you to have a chance to get counseling first before she will get her own counseling? Seriously, it takes two. Obviously, there were serious problems in the marriage BEFORE you crossed the point of no return.

1. Why do you want to get back together with your estranged "wife"? Is it because you don't want to be alone?

2. Why does your estranged wife think she is so fantastic that she shouldn't seek counseling herself, on her own? Just the fact that she is going out of her way to punish you and put you in the doghouse (making you feel like a dog that ate off the counter) is not acceptable. Yet you are accepting it. Because you feel guilty?

Yes, you made a mistake. a HUGE mistake. But it's in the past. You are clearly in love with someone? Who is that person? Is it yourself, your wife or your ex?

The biggest question out is: Can you love yourself and respect yourself and treat yourself with some gentleness and dignity, grieve, work with your T and try to figure out what happened in the first place that lead you to this situation? And try to take some of the burden off yourself.

I assume from your post you are in the caregiving, first responder, profession: Your estranged wife isn't a victim; yet, she is treating you like she is. And your personality and traits, that lead you to become what you are in your profession, is leading you to do what you did in the first place (adreneline, caregiving, saving, etc.) AND do what you are doing now (putting others first before yourself and seeing everyone else as a potential victim for you to save).

You need to SAVE yourself first.

Please come back and let us know how you are doing.