Rose - thank you for two very insightful posts. You certainly did not come off as piling on the wrong. You raised some good points and asked some questions I will try to respond to.

I have basically no support system. My wife is really all that I have. She has made one of the conditions for her to work on restoring the marriage that I have to establish a support system other than just her. What I said about staying for the vows (and the kids) and for the sake of our years together is true, but it's also true that I fear losing my support and having to function alone. It's hard enough for me now when we live apart but talk on the phone or see each other every day or two. Being truly alone scares me. Who else would ever want me once they learn of my diagnosis?

My wife is going to counseling on her own, although it's with a religious counselor that I had one session with and couldn't stand. What she won't do is go to any kind of couple's counseling with me. She won't say exactly why, but I think it's because doing it would indicate a commitment on her part to restoring the marriage and she's not willing to do that.

I know my wife is punishing me. She is using what I did as something to beat me with and something to threaten me with. She knows she has me over a barrel. If either the divorce or the dissolution goes through, she takes my house and gets to live off of over half of my income for the rest of my life. This is creating a lot of anger and resentment at a time when we need openness and healing, but I can't say anything or she'll just threaten to refile the divorce. This is one of the biggest reasons I want counseling together, but she won't go until I meet whatever her definition of healing myself is. I can't even protest, because I know and everyone around me knows that I'm guilty.

Not sure how to respond to your comment about being in love with someone. It's definitely not me; I don't even like myself on my best days and these are definitely not my best days. It's not my lover; as much as I miss her and grieve for what might have been, I also know that she made her choice and chose someone else over me. I honestly suspect, knowing what I do of the individual involved, that she was bullied or threatened into it, but she still made the choice. That only leaves my wife. I do still love her in some fashion, not with the happy romantic love but with what remains of 20 years of commitment to each other. Right now it's a love/hate relationship though, because of the way she is forcing me to humiliate myself and crawl to meet her demands under threat of taking everything from me. I can't make her understand that doing that is only causing more damage to the relationship I am trying to heal. She doesn't care, and just responds with more threats. I want our marriage back like it was in the times we actually loved each other and wanted to be together, but all I get is vague promises that maybe in a few months she might consider letting me back into my house and trying to work on the marriage too.

As far as loving myself, respecting myself, or forgiving myself, not a chance right now. I started this thread looking for help to get past my feelings for my lover and work to rebuild my love for my wife, but it turned into a "pile on bowhunt" session with everyone wanting to tell me how bad I hurt her. I know I was wrong. I know I hurt her. I feel very guilty about what I've done, that's why I'm putting up with all of her nasty vindictive behavior. But forgive myself? Not a chance, and that's probably one of the next big steps I need to take in healing. Guess I'll just suffer for a while. I'm pretty good at that by now.