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Apr 05, 2012, 03:49 PM
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Member Since: Apr 2012
Posts: 1
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ebatts
Absent-mindedness and bouts of procrastination have controlled my life since the age of eight. In elementary school, I had my own desk in the school counselor’s office, and I was there everyday during what was usually nap time for everyone else. She made me keep a “good behavior scorecard,” on which smiley face or star stickers were placed to rank my behavior in several areas for each day. No stickers for an item meant bad behavior, and improvement was needed. The counselor finally told my mom to take me to a psychiatrist for further evaluation. When my psychiatrist diagnosed me with ADD, my mom breathed a sigh of relief, but I spent the next 13 years (and counting) on medication after medication. You name it, I’ve probably been on it. I was on Concerta for eight years before it finally lost its effect when I was 18. We tried visiting previous medications: Ritalin, Adderall, Concerta (stronger dose), Welbutrin, Vyvanse, Focalin, Intuniv, Strattera. I’m back on Adderall now, but it doesn’t seem to be working anymore.
Being an adult with ADD isn’t easy at all. Even with medication I have trouble concentrating at work and listening to others when they are talking to me. I’ve had trouble finding a career path to follow because I lose interest in it after a few days. I also misplace things all the time: car keys, pens, my glasses. My bookshelf is lined with novels I’ve never finished reading. Under my bed are several spiral-bound and marble notebooks that are blank after the first few pages. Last November I decided I was going to do NaNoWriMo; I began my novel but didn’t get past the first two pages. As an artist, I’ve struggled with projects. I have folders on my laptop of unfinished artwork, and there are paintings that sit partially completed in my attic. I often attempt to multitask but get sidetracked on something else entirely.
I also suffer from depression, which I feel is a product of my ADD. A feeling of inadequacy fills me from head to toe whenever I realized I haven’t finished something. I set goals for myself and become discouraged when I do not reach them, or have to change my goal because it is too far out of reach. When I think about how many times I’ve changed my goals, I begin to feel as though I am incapable of success. I also have a hard time with failure, so I feel as though I’m stuck between these two emotions eternally. I become sad and sometimes jealous when I see someone else achieving my goals. I feel as though one day everyone I know will be college graduates with the careers they wanted, and I will still be changing my career path every two weeks.
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I am 30 years old and was diagnosed a year ago with ADD and depression and anxiety disorder. Everything you said I can relate to also in fact I have said almost word for word the same things a million times. I have at many times felt like no one understands and I am alone in this. I get no support from my family and all my relationships have ended with them saying " I don't care" or " I have no feelings". This is a miserable life at times but I hold out hope for change and I hope you do the same.
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