I admit your post triggered me to write my initial post due to my own marriage disaster. Mine is even worse than worse than yours. I'm more calm now. You need to grieve the lost relationship. You can't grieve and work on restoring the marriage at the same time - its like taking 2 steps forward and 2 steps back.

One question I asked - why did you have the affair? I suspect you both were needy and needed some excitement. You yearned to feel that spark and feel like a cherished man again. Eventually this relationship would have burned out too. You mention you fear financial burden and loneliness - these aren't good enough reasons to stay in a marriage. If she's getting counseling from someone you don't like, I suspect he's telling her what she wants to hear....which is to get out of the relationship. If you had it t over again, what would you do differently and I'm asking you sincerely?