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Old Apr 05, 2012, 06:06 PM
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bowhunt72 bowhunt72 is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2012
Location: Ohio
Posts: 289
Lynn - I had the affair for a lot of reasons. Primarily it was my relationship with my wife. We were very bitter and fighting constantly. I was angry at being treated like - my exact words - a paycheck with legs. I was sick of coming home to the house I pay for and finding it trashed because no one could bother to take care of it. My wife is overweight but with a high sex drive, and I'm a guy with all hormones still intact and functional. With no emotional attachment, sex becomes just a physical act, and performing that act with her at her weight turned my stomach. I couldn't take any more "closed eyes and good imagination" sex. I wanted to feel loved and understood and appreciated and desired again. I wanted to enjoy sex and the entire physical relationship again.

The woman I turned to was an old lover who was with me during my firefighting and EMS days. She understood me because she'd been there with me. She was with me on some of my worst medical runs. One run I still remember often was a drunk female driver who crashed into a horse that had wandered into the road. Her injuries were fatal, but she was still alive at the scene and I was in charge. As I crawled into that wrecked car to begin treatment before we could cut her out of the vehicle, my lover was right there over my shoulder keeping me calm and talking me through it. In one of the hottest fires I've ever been in, hot enough my protective gear was starting to melt, she was my backup on the hose line. We worked together enough we could read each other's minds by instinct - that's how we got together in the first place. Sex with her was the best I'd ever had. I looked her up online and despite having not seen or heard from each other in 13 years, we clicked again instantly. 13 years just vanished. We started talking and texting, then met again in person and instantly knew we were supposed to be together. We deliberately avoided getting physical, wanting to wait until the time was right, but when it was, it was like an earthquake hitting. Making love with her was absolutely fantastic. Eventually, though, the intervening 13 years caught up with us. My psych diagnosis didn't help, and personal and relationship issues from her past finished us off.

That's the why of the affair. Would I do it again? I don't know. If I had known then what I know now, I would have stayed home and worked on my relationship with my wife. She tried to tell me I was manic and making decisions far too quickly, but I didn't listen. As far as I know, that was my first full blown manic episode, and I had no idea what was happening to me. That doesn't excuse my decisions, but maybe it explains them a little.

Where I am now I'm finally starting to feel a little at peace. After the comments Rose made about self forgiveness, I called my wife to ask what she thought. I expected to hear "of course you shouldn't forgive yourself, you're an *******". What she said, though, was that she had already forgiven me and I needed to forgive myself so I could heal. The relationship is not restored yet, of course, but she's willing to give me space and time so that I can heal sufficiently to be able to work on the marriage again someday.

I don't like the guy she's getting counseling from, but I think it was more a clash of personalities than anything. One of the first things he talked to her about was the process of learning to forgive me. He is working on helping her heal from her hurts so that eventually our marriage can be healed.

Loneliness and finances are two things I fear, but they are not the only reasons I want to restore my marriage. It doesn't have to go all the way back to when we were newlyweds - a few years ago we genuinely loved each other and wanted to be together. I want to feel that again. I made a commitment to this woman many years ago, and I have broken it multiple times. I can never make those hurts go away, but I can work toward making it right and making good memories to supplant the old hurts. If we can return to that point, I think we have a good chance together.
Thanks for this!
lynn P.