((((Bow)))) I posted on the Divorce / Separation thread in response to your initial posting. Perhaps that will shed some light and give you some more tools while you are healing.

I know that forgiving yourself seems IMPOSSIBLE right now, but you are doing all the right things to point you in that direction. Seeing a T/P and reaching out, posting here. Even though it might not seem like it...just do what you can.

And you can suffer for a while...wallow...isolate...hide...whatever. But also, it's incredibly important to suffer with your P/T and here on PC (or wherever you feel most comfortable). Otherwise you will get stuck.

I don't know your diagnosis, but I can say, that I totally 100% understand and can relate to what you are feeling about being alone (it IS scary), and especially the sentiment, "Who would want me once they learn of my diagnosis".

But you know what...I learned by working hard (one second at a time), the best way I can for that day, I am NOT my diagnosis. My diagnosis just explains why I behave(d), cope(d), react(ed) the way I have (and do). It's like connecting the dots when you realize what's been going on all along.

I am not an attorney or P/T but I think you are focusing wayyy to much on what she is doing (because of fear), and not enough on yourself and how you are going to get through each day safely and with a modicum of peace. It really and truly can be one inch at a time in the healing process.

You have experienced great loss. Like you wrote, "Crashing Down".

But I also think that is because you are feeling extraordinarily vulnurable and are in pain, are feeling shame, grieving for what could have been with your EX and feeling a huge loss...you are going through a lot right now...

...and you are allowing her to beat you up and punish you because:
(a) you feel as if you deserve it;
(b) as long as you go along with "her plan" (and she gets to do and say whatever she wants and you can't say a word or you'll be further punished...I think that's abuse and torture actually), you will have some security (peace) and not have to worry so much; and
(c) you are afraid to be alone (which makes sense. being with someone for 20 years is a long time whatever the relationship. there is a familiar comfort there).

re: having to pay half for her lifestyle if things don't work out ... well, as you mentioned before, there is enough responsibility here to go around. And I don't know if you really will have to do that. For now, perhaps, let your estranged wife THINK she is running the show, but you just focus on yourself and start healing from wayyy back when and move forward from there.

Take care.