I often leave my therapy sessions angry and frustrated. . .and I'm often angry and disconnected during my actual sessions or shortly afterwards when I'm leaving and walking to my car. In session, I can often FEEL myself moving away from my therapist . . .feeling as though an actual HUGE chasm is opening up between us and I'm moving backwards away from her. I can hear her voice, but not what she is actually saying. Sometimes, it's as if her voice is fading away and I'm feeling totally disconnected from her. When I'm in that state, I now know that I am overwhelmed with emotions, triggered by what we're talking about or triggered by something internally that I'm not even aware of while in my session. Sometimes I shake, my teeth chatter or my body goes completely cold and numb. It is still inside of me and not anything my therapist does to me. It is the trigger of "old" things. It is my body and how it reacts to emotions that reside inside of me--the tiger that lurks inside of me that is easily awakened in therapy.

Sometimes, I leave, walking to my car, muttering that what I'm trying to do (therapy) is ridiculous, that she is an idiot and totally clueless and why the heck am I wasting all this money on something that does NOTHING FOR ME! At times, this feeling lasts for days and weeks and sometimes for months on end. I quit therapy and believe . . .truly believe that I don't need therapy. My therapist lets me be. She doesnt try to convince me that I'm wrong or that I need to stay in therapy. She just lets me settle. I come around after a time and re-engage. I don't do this much anymore. I've come to realize that this feeling . .. this upheaval is truly inside of me. I work to talk about what happens for me when I next see my therapist. I work to stay engaged and open with her. It isn't easy and it isn't pretty . .. but it is slowly beginning to work. And when all is said and done, my therapist ALWAYS welcomes me back with a smile of genuine warmth and a word of acceptance and support. I hope you're able to talk about it with your therapist at the next session, JSG.