So I went to session today and it was okay. I of course picked out one sentence he said and dwelled on it and then emailed him about it. He asked me in session why I just didn't stay home. (which was out of concern for how tired I was for getting out of ER late that night) That totally triggered my abandonment issues.

So I sent him an email asking him if he was tired of seeing me. He replied "I want you to answer that question, you should already know the answer." That provoked a meaner response, from me. I told him that his new approach with me sucks and it only makes me feel like he hates me. (he has taken on a new approach with my abandonment issues, to not enable those thoughts, when before he was SUPER supportive) Anyway he replied that he needs me to look at situations and understand the reality and not just rely on his approval.

Now fast forward two hours. My father was going to meet my little sister who is sixteen for the first time in twelve years today. I lost my dad when I was five (I was taken from him). I lost my stepdad (suicide) when I was eighteen, and I lost the "big brother" cop who practically adopted me in high school I was ninteen when he abandoned me for no reason. I took all my abandonment issues out on my T REALLY hard today. I didn't even know how to cope with the feelings that came up when my dad left to go meet my sister. I must had sent him ten emails. He finally gave in and sent me a reassuring email. I feel horrible I did so badly. I hate myself. I hate that I can't trust our relationship now matter how much I SHOULD. I hate that I am so BROKEN. I'm sure he thinks I'm crazy. I'm sure I'm going to get in trouble for tonight. I should have coped better. I should have tried harder. I gave into my feelings, and I failed miserably at impulse control. He hates me now.