Flashbacks can be so difficult. I am sorry you are in so much pain right now.
Keep posting and maybe even just keep sending T emails. My T allowed me to do that for my flashbacks. He rarely responded to those. Sometimes he didn't even read them. But that was OK in the long run. I just needed to have a space where I could use my voice and get it all out into the world. To get it outside of me. To make my pain known to the rest of humanity.