Sorry that I have been away so long. It's been a rough couple of months. There's been a lot of drama between my boyfriend and I. And I haven't been doing too well mentally in this time. I apolligise if I've made anyone worry about me. I've missed all you guys terribly.

I came really close to SI-ing yesterday before bed. I barely stopped myself. I don't know if I can hold out today. I can see it exactly in my mind. And I want it so badly. I want to finally achieve a perfect injury, the big one the one I've always missed. I want to do terrible things to my arm to show just exactly how crap I feel. I am not worthy of anyone and it'd be proof to myself and everyone else of that fact. I know exactly how screwd up that sounds, but I am an inch away from not caring anymore. About not caring about getting better, about doing the right thing. My head is all over the place lately and I don't know why. Nothing feels real. I look at myself in a mirror I don't recognise myself it is someone else, someone I don't know. I don't know what I look like but this person I see is just a dream. And I just can't wake up from it. If I could wake up, I'd be 5 again. My mum, grandpa, and granny all'd still be alive and things would be simple again. If I could do this nirvana of injuries maybe that'd bring me back to earth. I don't know why I feel this way, or what it is called. But it can't be normal.