Calista12

I don't get around here much but I thought I would check your thread b/c I remembered your name and something of a good feeling I have around it.

Perna you made me guffaw out loud. That is a good one.

Calista12 I was thinking last night there should be something between abandonment and neglect, a word to represent the truth of what can transpire between a mother and child. My mother didn't want another child and so the dye was cast upon my birth and that of the next sibling as well.

It's a kind of place, a sad one you get used to in a way but every-now-and-again the sadness strikes home because I didn't ask to be born either. She would never let me say those words out loud to her because I think she was afraid of what she might say back to me. But, there was always this underlying 'something' ...you know it is describable but it does not have one word (that I know of anyway); that is the word I'm talking about. It hurt me terribly when I learned she had tried to abort me. Not right away, but after I let it sink in or strike that place within me that has tender, tender feelings. It seemed not right but on the other hand it was who I was so what can you do...you know what I mean?

I think women of my mom's day had pressures that I don't know if I'll ever understand fully what with being raised in the depression and WWII. She passed away when I was 25 and I don't think I've ever felt such overwhelming grief. It hurt so bad and yet I know I was raised under a cloud of not being wanted so why did I feel so sad when she left? It is confusing.

Sounds like you are doing the best you can with your Mom Calista12 . It can be pretty confusing, the feelings that come up around the Moms that is for sure.

You are courageous.