History whited out in case of possible triggering:

When I was six a stranger broke into our home while my father was out of town. The man raped my mother while my two-year-old brother and I listened to her screaming. We saw some of it. He was caught and convicted. The effects on my family were catastrophic and far-reaching, one of them being my recent PTSD diagnosis.

I was listening to an audiobook at work this morning and the main character was talking about being in a car crash that killed his mother - he said the event had gravity, like a planet, and the rest of his life has orbited around it. It made me think of my own childhood trauma because I've often felt similarly about the effect it had on my life. The next thing I knew I was almost hysterically upset, hiding in the filing room and trying not to cry loudly so no one would hear me. I was remembering what had happened in little snapshots that were just crystal clear, some of them things I didn't even know I remembered, like the police officer who took my mother's statement and how young he was, or seeing a handprint on the wall and being told not to touch it because it was evidence.

It wasn't like I didn't know where I was or anything, but I couldn't stop the memories coming up and how sharp they were, and it took a long time to calm down. Even now I feel nauseated and exhausted, and my hands keep shaking. I've had panic attacks before, but this felt different and I was wondering if it was a flashback.

I wish I could go home and curl up in bed.