(((Esman))) i know everyone has FELT like tearing things up and writing F**** all over the walls or doing something similar, but most are able to control the impulses. So something happens to some of us where we have poor impulse control and rage takes over.
Basically, im just another suffering human being not a pdoc or T, but it sound to be, bottom line like the root of your problem is you are confused and in unimaginable pain. No person can handle that alone. Do you have a pdoc or T that can help? If not, i recommend you get one asap. Hugs if that's ok.