Rose - insightful, as always. First, let me say I had no intent to be a trigger for anyone. If through my own anger and insensitivity I did so, I apologize profusely. Rereading some of my posts, I do come off as pretty angry. Once again, I need to apologize.

You are correct, it is not my way to put myself first. Most of my adult life was spent helping others through firefighting and EMS, even at the cost of injury to myself or putting my own life at risk. I retired early only when I was forced to because of my psych diagnosis, and the loss of my career and true love still hurts me every day.

I don't know how to put myself first and heal. My life was healing others, not myself. I am hurting, and hurting badly, for the loss of what I thought was true love. I thought we were two kindred souls finally brought back together by fate. But I feel like I'm not allowed to hurt because I never should have been in that relationship and I hurt others by doing so. My pain keeps getting pushed down in favor of trying to do whatever my wife wants because I know I wronged her and hurt her badly. It's like scabbing over a sore that keeps festering underneath. Until I find a way to let the poison out and heal myself, nothing else can heal. But I don't know how to do it.

My wife has told me she has forgiven me, although she wants to see changes in me before she will give me another chance. She has told me she wants me to forgive myself so I can heal, because only after I have healed myself can I work on healing our relationship. But I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT!!! That's why I'm so desperately looking for help, here and through the outpatient program I am and and through support groups.

She has told me if I want our marriage back I have to start back at the beginning, like at the first date. That is what I am trying to do. I have backed off from my demand for immediate couple's therapy and have stopped asking to come home. I live here in my apartment, and we see each other occasionally or talk on the phone. Today she met me at the hospital after my outpatient session and took me grocery shopping, because she knows money is desperately tight with me being off work to seek help at the hospital. She let me buy her lunch afterward (I thought it was the least I could do) and we had a conversation like two normal adults. It's a very small step, but at least it's in the right direction.