I should explain that I'm studying abroad right now in Ireland, as I've been doing since January. I'm in Dublin, and there are some aspects that I love, but overall, it's been very difficult for me, mostly because I haven't made any good friends. I don't mean I haven't talked to anyone or met anyone; I just don't have anyone I can go places with or have meals with or just plain talk to when I'm upset. I'm sure all of these things only exacerbate everything.

Anyway, I've been going through these terribly sudden shifts in mood. One second I'll feel fantastic and so incredibly happy I'm here, and the next I'll feel absolutely miserable, despise myself, and wish I no longer existed.

Tears can be set off by virtually anything, and the trigger sometimes doesn't make any sense at all. I became so upset about an essay for one of my classes (that isn't even important when I think about it) that I made myself physically ill for an entire week and ended up in front of the history department sobbing. I was granted extra time, probably because the department assumed my outburst had a better reason than me procrastinating a bit too long and misreading the requirements. An even odder one happened two days ago. I had just finished classes and I kind of didn't know what to do with myself, so I decided spur of the moment at eight thirty at night to go into town and get some dessert. That in itself is weird for me, but then, I went into the only restaurant I could find that was open and wasn't a loud, noisy bar (I really wanted quiet for whatever reason) and tried to sit down on the top level of the cafe, only to be told I couldn't sit there. For no reason at all, I realized just then that I needed a cry that very minute and rushed out of the restaurant, walked for five minutes, cried about nothing, came back, and sat down in a portion of the restaurant where I was allowed to sit. WTF? I mean really, what on earth does that mean?

Basically, the problem isn't that I'm feeling sad sometimes. I'm just concerned that I'm allowing my emotions to rule my life. I don't feel at all in control of myself, and I worry that I'll make a ****** decision that I'm going to regret. Plus, it's embarrassing and disheartening to suddenly cry in public places or in front of people I respect. How can I control myself?